


blackmail is kinda rad.

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Let's pretend this didn't happen, M/M, don't take this srsly, dumb teenagers, pretty much crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-15
Updated: 2015-01-15
Packaged: 2018-03-07 14:43:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3176376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>If he had known the day would end like this—sitting in Principal Smith's office with the school's star soccer player's fingers tangled in his hair—Eren would have to do this more often. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Alternatively: Jean's attempt to make Eren miserable retaliates in the form of asstastic compensation. (And yes, asstastic is a terrible adjective. No, I don't care.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	blackmail is kinda rad.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what this is, really.

If he had known the day would end like this—sitting in Principal Smith's office with the school's star soccer player's fingers tangled in his hair—Eren would have to do this more often. 

.

_4 hours earlier, 11:00 AM, AP Biology_

Eren paid no mind to his teacher. It wasn't that he found the entire subject totally boring, or that he believed he had infinitely better things to think of than: _'meiosis varies from mitosis in many ways, meiosis even differentiates within male versus female cells. Polar bodies become a product within the female meiotic process because of the single cell of the set continuing to go through interphase...'_ Okay, yeah. It was a little bit of him finding the subject boring. (More than a little bit.) But he would swear he was trying. (Which he was. Sometimes.) Mainly to rid himself of the two freshmen biology classes in college. 

_Ah, AP tests. The burdens of the soul._

Jean Kirstein—asshole extraordinaire who somehow managed to weasel his way into the class, paid no mind to the instructor either. (He was smart, but Eren would never admit such a thing. In all reality, it would wound the boy's somewhat inflated pride.) 

Jean admitted, sitting behind Jaeger was a curse as well as a blessing—mainly a blessing when he could clearly see Eren ogling some creepy stalker picture he had of Levi Ackerman on his phone; the soccer player was bent over slightly, black shorts tightened around his ass due to the sloped angle—towel around his neck, bare back to the camera—muscles taut. (Jean would never admit it, but he didn't have to look at the clearly recognizable undercut to realize the picture was of Levi because: 1. Eren was never inconspicuous about the infatuation he had with the boy, and 2. Jean may or may not think that Levi's ass was A+, and deserved all the awards, despite Eren's creepy ass crush, or whatever the fuck it was. Jean simply considered himself an ass connoisseur if you will.)

Anyways, his relative location to Eren gave him perfect blackmail material.

Sliding out his phone as the teacher rambled on about some weird reproductive process, ( _are we talkin' cells or sex?_ ) Jean snapped a photo of the picture that Eren's eyes had been locked on—snickering under his breath. 

_Blackmail, check._

"Kirstein, what's so funny? Would you like to share with the class?"

"N-no ma'am!

.

 _3 hours earlier, 12:00 PM, Lunch_

"Jean, I fucking hate you!"

Jean shifted in his seat at the long table in the cafeteria, laughing at Eren's enraged expression—the brunet boy's eyebrows furrowed, his fists making contact with the table before he leaned forward, hiding his face in his hands.

Jean secretly thanked god that Mikasa wasn't in this lunch period, otherwise he'd have already had his ass handed to him at just the _thought_ of making Eren look like an idiot. Perhaps his head would have been smashed into the school's white cinderblock walls—brain snapping forward and killing him, like a car accident. ( _He'd learned about that in AP Bio, right?_ ) 

Jean preferred not to think about his possible demise. 

"You don't hate me, Jaeger. You hate the idea of me. Now suck it up princess." Eren's head snapped up from the lunch table as Jean spoke, the droning voices of everyone around them momentarily forgotten—Jean's phone being twirled in said boy's hand, a smug expression on his face. "I have a proposition for you." 

Eren raised an eyebrow, a sigh escaping him as he slumped at the table. "What the fuck is it?"

"Porn. On the school wifi. Next block." 

The groan that escaped Eren's lips was the most unsexy thing since Lady GaGa's meat suit. "Are you serious, Jean? Really? Fuck."

"Hey, Jaeger!" Jean's head snapped to the direction of the voice that sounded from across the cafeteria, and he'd never been so glad to be alive. Levi Ackerman—the school's prodigal son and Eren's heart's target was looking at said brunet boy with an expression of slight irritation, his fringe falling in pieces onto his face, tight black clothing clinging to his body. (Skinny jeans that made his ass look _killer._ Even Jean knew it.) "Next time you make a noise like that, cover your mouth or make sure it's from a particularly lousy fuck." 

Eren's face turned bright red, and Jean couldn't help but laugh as his friend's head fell back to his hands.

It was going to be a good day.

.

_2 hours earlier, 1:00 PM, Computer Tech_

— _'I don't know how to tell you this, doctor, but I have the hots for you. You make me—'_

_The man's large hand came up to the other's mouth, four fingers cupping his chin—thumb running across the other man's lower lip. 'It's okay, Bertolt. Just let me take care of you, and your body.'_

_'Yes, Dr. Reiner. Yes.'_

Low moans soon filled Eren's headphones, but he didn't have them on. His preoccupation was glaring at Jean as the idiot laughed under his breath at the scene playing out across Eren's computer screen.

He didn't notice Miss Brzenska approaching him. Eren didn't notice her jaw drop—didn't notice her scream until it included his name. "Eren Jaeger! Why is there gay p-porn p-p-playing on your computer?!" 

"Because I turned it on?" Eren smiled sheepishly at Miss Brszenska, praying she wouldn't say what he knew was coming. 

"To the office, Eren!" 

The boy hesitated. 

"Now!" 

With a disgruntled sigh (as if he hadn't seen the punishment coming), Eren stood up, grabbing his backpack and swinging it over his shoulder as he shut the computer down - shifting on his feet nervously until the screen went black. 

All eyes in the classroom were on him, Sasha grinned in the corner, eyes amused, though—the most devious pair being the amber eyes locked on his back, barely audibly laughter passing his lips. As Eren stepped out into the hallway, only one thought was prominent enough to make it into the forefront of his mind.

_Fuck Jean._

.

_1 hour earlier, 2:00 PM, Principal Smith's Office_

Eren sat in the disgustingly soft chair (it was disgustingly soft because he said it was, fuck you and school very much), knee being tapped absentmindedly by his fingers as some obscure rock song played in his headphones. (Eren wasn't perpetually angry. He just liked loud music. And lyrics. Yep.) 

Principal Erwin Smith—the man of the hour, also the man who resembled rejected Captain America concept art, had asked Eren to wait for him as he carried out his duties. ( _You know_ , Eren thought, _whatever the hell that consists of. Making middle-aged women cry over his face, he supposed. The usual_.) 

So Eren waited, not noticing the door click open - not even paying any mind to the pale, seventeen year old kid with eyes that told you to stab yourself ninety different ways lowering himself down into the chair next to Eren - didn't notice the way the soccer player's eyes slightly softened upon noticing Eren. Maybe only seventy ways to stab now. 

(Later on Eren would regret not looking up. It meant that he missed the opportunity to stare at Levi's ass as he closed the door to the office. But Eren wasn't a stalker. He was just bold. With an appreciation for the finer, rounder things in life. Also he was a teenager. You can't blame him for being a trumpet short of becoming a horn dog.) 

Eren noticed when a small, recognizable hand came up to flick him in the ear - ripping his headphones out about as gracefully as a dying moose. (In this case, Levi used the correct simile. His English teacher would be so impressed. Eren did, in fact, appear to be dying.) 

"Shit," the boy hissed. In all honesty, Eren was startled. Who wouldn't be? Like, damn. 

_'He startled me. Just jamming along to my music and suddenly pain. In my ear. The fuck. Wait... That's Levi. Aw, shit. Ugh. Why me, god? Do you hate me? I probably just looked like a small woodland animal choking on its saliva. Fuck everything.'_

"No, just me," Levi deadpanned, face expressionless. Well, not entirely. More like, _'expressionless but not, because no matter what expression he wears I wanna jump on and ride 'till Sunday. Unless it's Sunday. Well, if I can go from that Sunday 'till next Sunday, sure. Then Sunday is still okay. Wait, fuck. He's still here, he's still looking at me like I should be in a psychotic category with Lady Gaga. Not good. Abort mission. The ship is sinking. Captain Jaeger is going down.'_ (Eren never said his thought process was the most intelligent.) 

"Well," Eren began, "you're not shit."

"Come on, Jaeger. I know you've got better material to flirt with than that. Aren't you going to tell me I'm pretty?"

.

_5 minutes ago, 2:55 PM, Principal Smith's Office_

"You're not as terrifying as everybody gives you credit for."

"You're not as stupid as everyone says you are."

"You wanna know something stupid? That's really stupid of me to say? That's going to prove I'm pretty stu-"

"Just spit it out Eren."

"I like you. I've had whatever juvenile word you want to use, a crush I guess, on you for like, three years. Since we were sophomores." Eren paused, then - his hands sweating, expecting rejection, some portion of his teenaged heart in his throat as he closed his eyes, attempting to regain control of the situation. Anything he could do, flipping his hair out of his eyes, gripping his legs tightly and —

Something was on his lips—this something was insistent, and felt quite like a mouth. Eren's eyes snapped open, Levi was kissing him.

_Holy shit._

"You know what, Eren?" 

"W-what?"

"If you've liked me that long, it's a travesty that we haven't been making out almost this entire past hour."

"I think we should remedy that, Levi."

"I agree."

.

_Now, Principal Smith's Office, 3:00 PM_

Levi had somehow managed to jump chairs in the five minutes they'd had their lips together without Eren noticing, pausing only for stupid breaths that Eren, for some reason, had to take.

_'It's called breathing, Eren. Do it. If you die I'm not kissing you.'_

Levi's knees were aligned with Eren's hips - bent legs as he straddled him (as best he could in the goddamn principal's office chair. The chair wasn't very big, but he was making it work.) Bronzed hands found purchase on Levi's back, arms wrapped around his waist - pale fingers sifting through, tugging on dark brown hair. 

If he had known the day would end like this—sitting in Principal Smith's office with the school's star soccer player's fingers tangled in his hair—Eren would have to do this more often. 

Eren's lips broke from Levi's to move slowly across his jaw - Levi's breath heavy as he leaned his head back - exposing his neck, one hand still in Eren's hair, the other resting atop the brunet boy's shoulder. 

Erwin Smith chose the moment that a small groan passed Eren's lips to step into his office, bright blue eyes widening for a fraction of a second. 

He cleared his throat, and the two boys reluctantly broke apart on the chair.

_Fuck having any shame._

"School is out. You've received your... punishment in the form of sitting in the office? I can expect neither of you will cause trouble again, am I correct?"

Eren nodded his head, Levi rolling his eyes before mumbling a yes - grabbing a tanned hand in his, dragging Eren out towards his car.

.

_3:10 PM_

As Levi straddled Eren's waist once-more in the front seat of the his car, Eren didn't think it could get much better. 

"Levi, we should do this, like, every day."

"Minus the principal's office, Eren, I think that can be arranged."

.

_11:45 PM, Levi's House_

_Eren's phone was in hand, Jean on the other end of the line. "How was the principal's office, Jaeger?"_

_"Considering I got to make out with Levi, and touch his ass, and what a nice ass it is, thanks to you, pretty damn good."_

_"W-what?"_

_Eren just laughed, being shushed as he was pulled back down onto the bed behind him—a pale hand tossing his phone to the nightstand._

_"Shut the fuck up and kiss me. Idiot."_

**Author's Note:**

> Shower me in your unconditional love (hate.)


End file.
